Sunday, May 1, 2011

Torpedo Breasts and Dirty Crocs

I wait tables.

Let me elaborate, I wait tables at a buffet that serves mediocre, cafeteria grade food and caters to an older clientele; Old women who carry little plastic baggies around in their oversized purses, and men with arthritic knees and grumpy demeanors.

 Unfortunately, we also attract another type of customer, Window Lickers...Also known as:

Paste Eaters
Spam Eaters
Banjo Ticklers

Everyone knows the kind of people that I speak of:

 Women with chin hair, no brassieres and dirty feet shoved into even dirtier Croc shoes.
Children with mullets, temporary "Mom" tattoos and dirty faces that are in a perpetual state of stickiness.

Window Lickers invade a space like a pack of Wildebeest being chased by a Cheetah through the Serengeti.

To be clear, I do not think that I am above anyone in any area of my life. I do, however, have enough good sense to be a fly on the wall. I'd rather be Plain Jane and go unnoticed my entire life than be noticed because I'm not wearing a bra in public.

I would like to take a moment to tell you all about a woman that visited my workplace just yesterday.
Her name: "Amazon Titties"...

She was, the tallest woman I'd ever seen in my life. After getting over the initial shock of how tall she was, I noticed she was wearing a floor-length zebra print dress.

My first thought was, "Man, there's a whole safari under that zebra dress."

 After a moment, I came out of my trance only to see her enormous, propellor-like breasts which were propped up like two round canteloupes on her chest.

My second thought, "Man, that's a whole lotta boob."

This woman would've had cleavage in a turtleneck sweater.

Of course, there was a tattoo on her left breast, that read, "BabyDoll" in a hard to decipher, garbly cursive script of some sort.
I want everyone to know, that all of this... the height, the dress, the breasts...the tattoo.
All of those things....I could deal with, but I looked down and happened to notice...Amazon Titties wasn't wearing any shoes ,and it looked as though centuries had passed since she last cut her toenails.

A recap, my friends:

Not only,was the bitch dressed like an oversized zebra in heat...
Not only, was she in a restaraunt without shoes...
She had fuckin slasher blades on her phalanges!!!

However, even with her plunging neckline and the way she ate the food off of her plate as she meandered around the buffet line, I still refrained from putting her in the Window Licker category...at first.

As Amazon Titties was leaving the restaraunt, I saw that she carried in her hand... dirty, white Crocs.

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