Sunday, July 17, 2011

Rose of My Heart.

I once read that writing your spouses eulogy ,before they die, can help to strengthen your relationship. It is an exercise that is said to take you beyond what you value about your spouse, and to make you think about what life would be like without them.

What you would miss. What you love the most about them. Their best qualities, and so forth.

I don't often write about my husband, mostly because he would be annoyed with me if I made blatant, public declarations of love, but also because I believe that relationships...friendships, marraiges, torrid love affairs, even, are private.
Whether they are happy relationships or relationships that are struggling to stay afloat...I think that those moments, good or bad, should be kept within the boundaries of said relationship.

So below I have, per the instructions of the article, written my husband's eulogy.

Did my husband really die? No.
Is it morbid? Maybe.
Is it mushy? Yes.
Do I care? No.
Jerry's Eulogy- A Last Declaration of Love

I met my husband a few months shy of my fourteenth birthday. I got a summer job working at Callaway's Catfish, washing dishes. Jerry was seventeen. He had just graduated from high school. Frankly, Jerry was quite a dorky looking fellow in his teens, but had a heart of pure gold and a wonderful sense of humor.

 When I asked Jerry what he thought the first time he saw me, he said, "I thought...Well, I thought this was going to be interesting." It wasn't too long before Jerry and I became really good friends.
Although, I fought our blooming relationship tooth and nail at times...Jerry was a persistant fellow.
He didn't put up with my crap, and he didn't mince words. If he thought something, he said it. There was something very endearing about someone who wasn't at all afraid to say what they actually felt.

Our relationship wasn't one that just caught fire, so to speak. It grew, and changed as we did.

 If I sit and think about my life with Jerry...It plays back in my head as this montage of heart breakingly, beautiful moments broken by the occasional argument or harsh word.
I know I was hard to live with, and I know that I broke his heart more than once.

For the tears that were shed because of my actions: There simply are not enough words in the English language to describe the sorrow that haunts my heart. There are not enough words I could speak that could tell you how sorry I am for ever hurting you in any way. The most amazing thing about Jerry was his amazing capacity to love me despite my faults, and my shortcomings.

Jerry was an amazing father. Eager to wake the kids up, and staying up with them after he worked a midnight shift. Changing those first tar-like poop diapers and rocking them in their sleep. Kissing boo-boos and tickling them until they were out of breath. My children had the most amazing father in the world. If they inherited even a fraction of the beautiful qualities that Jerry had within his heart, then they are sure to be some of the most amazing and loving people in the world.

My husband was, and will always be, one of the most wonderful people I have ever met, and I was the lucky duck who married him.

Of course, looking back, there are things I would do differently. Moments I would take back. Things I would undo, but overall... I had and will always have something so wonderful that it cannot be contained or shared. It was a real love. The kind of love that continued regardless of how ugly or scary things were. The kind of love that flourished and grew through the hard moments, and stayed constant through the calm.
There are very few people that can look back on their life, and say that the best decision they ever made was marrying their best friend. It wasn't always easy, but I wouldn't change a single moment.



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