Sunday, March 11, 2012

Days That Suck Ass

Today sucked ass.

Not only did it suck ass, it sucked hairy, sweaty, Man-Ass. Think about the biggest, weirdest, most unattractive ass in existence.

Think, Meatloaf's ass.
It sucked that bad.
I'm a big believer in always finding the silver lining. I believe a person can wake up and decide to have a good day in spite of any obstacles that may block one's path to happiness. I also believe that sometimes...it's just too much work to be happy.

Sometimes, it is just easier to look at the day and think, "Wow...today sort of looks like Meatloaf's ass. Today sort of looks like me...sucking Meatloaf's ass. Yippity-freakin'-do."
I also believe bad moods are contagious. Thus, the childrens were acting like smaller, more rambunctious, more annoying versions of myself. Which, I reminded myself several times throughout the day, was my fault. My bad mood caused their bad moods. It. Was. My Fault.
Needless to say, we were quite the grumpa-licious trio.

Here is an abbreviated list of things that went wrong today:

1.) I woke up this morning in a sleeping position that I like to call, "My Children Invaded The Big Bed And Stole My Covers And I Got Cold And They Secretly Hate Me".

2.) Overnight, I developed an enormous pimple on my lip. I saw it when I was examining my frightening morning-time hair. I sighed and did the only thing I could do... I plucked my eyebrows, knitted her a sweater and named her Florence.

3.) The zipper broke on my work pants.

4.) I accidentally put on another pair of wedgie-prone underwear.

5.) The childrens had their first fight of the day at 7:50 a.m. and this, is what I hear:
Abby: Sammy!!!! Leave my toys alone! That is yucky and ugly.



Sammy: HAHAHAHAHAHA! You can't have your toy. It's in my pants.

Abby: Get my panda out of your pants, Sammy! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm telling Mom!


Oh, joy.

6.) I went to my lovely job. This alone was like a red hot poker through my soul.

7.) I made the mistake of glancing at myself in the mirror after I had been at work for three hours. The pimple, overcoming what I thought to be a physical impossibility, had gotten larger. I sighed, and did the only thing I could do... I removed her sweater, which was now too small, and let her borrow my sock to use as a dress. (She did this whole tying around the waist thing, it was actually quite stylish.)

To sum up the list, which is long... The childrens were really well behaved for my sweet friend who watched them today (thank God), but they were like unruly , cannibal beast children from an indigenous tribe in Africa for the last six hours of the day.


 While we were in the store my daughter kept doing that whole "I'm-Going-To-Hold-Your-Hand-But-I'm-Going-To-Shuffle-My-Feet-Like-A-Kid-With-Prostetic-Toes" walk.

 I love my daughter more than I can ever express. She is my reason for breathing, and for waking up in the morning, but today...in that store... whenever she would shuffle her cute, perfect little feet...I would picture, in my mind, me binding her with duct tape or running her over with the shopping cart.

The truth isn't always pretty folks, and don't judge me. If you are a mother...or a father...or someone who has ever spent too much time with a child over the course of a day...You've been there.


So, in summary, today sucked ass.

I am not so blindly optimistic to think that each day will be perfect...or special...or even be remarkable or significant from the day before or the day to follow. Sometimes, days just sort of meld together into a big lump of "Life Going By Too Quickly".

In spite of my terrible day, I do know this:

Regardless of how annoying the childrens were today; they are mine. They are beautiful and hilarious and make me smile more than anything else in the world.

It appears that Florence was only using the pore next to my upper lip as a rest stop. I am happy to announce ,by tomorrow, there will be nary a trace of her existence.

Sometimes, all it takes is a chat on the phone to a good friend, five minutes of quiet time, or a hug from your unruly, cannibal beast children to make the suckiness of the day just disappear.

Thank you to Angel, The Samantha's and Alicia for talking me down from my apocalyptic emotional breakdown.

Thank you to my bedroom, for offering a place of quiet and calm from the craziness of the world.

Thank you to my childrens, for always keeping my life interesting and filled with love...especially on days that suck Meatloaf's ass.