There are two activities in this world that make me want to slit my wrists; folding and putting away the clean laundry, and going to the gynecologist. While I have yet to find anything that counteracts the feeling of dread for the former, I have discovered that attempting to make my gynecologist laugh has made the latter not only bearable, but something I look forward to each year. Below are some things I have said to my gynocologist in the past. I have a good relationship with my doctor, and I would not recommend that you do this on your first visit. Also, bear in mind that most of what I write about is advice intended for squirrels....NOTE: THIS POST CONTAINS THE WORDS: PENIS, VAGINA, UTERUS and BASTARD. Just so you know.
1.) Well, I don't know about you...but I'm excited to find out how healthy my vagina and cervix are!
2.) My problems began when I drank that entire bottle of wine at dinner two nights ago...wine makes me randy. From there, things kind of went downhill......*5 minutes later*....anyway, I guess what I'm asking...it is possible that I have a bruised uterus?
3.) Yeah, I don't know if there is any point in doing a breast exam. My breasts are practically concave. If you can find 'em, you can examine them...Good luck!
4.) Yeah, can you just do a little breathing on that speculum to warm it up?
5.) It basically feels like there is a screwdriver attached to my husband's penis while we have sex...You're right, it probably doesn't hurt that bad. It's like if he attached a small, butter knife to his penis. Yeah, it'd be about like that.
6.) So, let me get this straight? You're telling me that my swimming pool, when used for sexual activities, is like a big, giant saltwater douche? That is incredible, and gross.
7.) So, have you always wanted to be a gynecologist or was it a fall back plan in case your career as a cabaret dancer didn't work out?
8.) I am so glad you have tiny hands.
9.) Thank you for being gentle with my private areas.
10.) Not to be weird, but this is the most action I've had in months!
11.) Is it possible that my cervix is bruised? Really!? That. Bastard.
12.) So, does your mother really know what kind of doctor you are, or did you tell her you were a dentist?
13.) Please tell me the truth....will my hymen ever grow back?
14.) Hey, is jelquing a real thing? Oh...you don't know what that is? AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A DOCTOR!
15.) I feel like you could do a pretty successful puppet show with a couple speculums, and some catchy songs.
16.) Would collegen injections work for a thin vagina? I'm asking...for a friend.
17.) The last time I had sex? You would probably be shocked to hear this, but...there's an app for that. Hold on, let me get my phone.
18.) So, I saw this picture on the internet and I just have to know......*pulls out phone* Is this real, or photoshopped?
19.) So, give it to me straight...When you were in medical school, did you have to take a course in mouthbreathing, or is that like a "live and learn" sort of thing?