Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Oh, Menses...My, Menses: How I loathe thee...

When I recieved nature's golden gift to women, I was twelve. The night before I began my menses, I cleaned my grandmother's kitchen like I was preparing for the return of The Messiah. I was twelve years old, and found myself scrubbing the kitchen counters with a toothbrush.
I moved canisters, and cleaned the coffee pot.
I scrubbed the oven until it squeaked with a cleanliness that even Mommy Dearest could appreciate.
I scalded my twelve year old, pre-menstrual hands in boiling hot bleach water, and cussed like a sailor.(Unbeknownst to me, this was a habit that I would carry with me into my adult years...Yay.)

I distinctly remember cleaning my grandmother's kitchen for two hours, and then turning around only to discover my uncle and brother making a terrible mess on the kitchen table. I turned red, threw my dish towel, and screamed at the top of my lungs, "That's fine. That's just fine. You ddd--oonn't a-ppr-ecciate (I was crying now) a-a-a-anything that -ww-wwee women do around here!" I then ran to my bed and flopped myself down in a style that is normally reserved for Tenessee Williams plays.

Who was this person?! A few breadcrumbs on the kitchen table, and I was now referring to myself as an entire disenfranchised minority?! "We Women"?Wow...a little bit of PMS and I had developed a psychological disorder.

The next morning, I stumbled into the bathroom and discovered that Aunt Flo had made her first, univited visit into my life.

 This was the beginning of the end of my sanity.

What happens to us during our menstrual cycle?

I'll tell  you what happens:

The world turns on us.
Suddenly pants that fit perfectly yesterday, now must be left unbuttoned and looped with a hair tie.
Our complexion can be likened to that of a teenaged boy, going through puberty.
There are few things that we won't eat...WE WILL EAT EVEN WHEN WE AREN'T HUNGRY.
(Folks, I'm not even embarassed to admit that I once caught myself eating paper while on my menstrual cycle.)
It always seems like the Universe knows when I am at my crazy emotional period peak because every sad movie, every PETA commercial and every song about a boy with a perfect girl that he loves will come into my life in a big, shitty wave of, "Let's See If We Can't Make Lucy Lose Her Shit About Fifty Five Times In One Day."

Periods...make women crazy.

What's crazier, to me, is the total bullshit way that Mother Nature, in all of her infinite Saddistic-Crazy Lady wisdom, makes it possible for women who spend a lot of time around one have cycles that are synched. I have one thing to say to Mother Nature on this whole deal:

Fuck you.
Fuck your mom.
Fuck your couch.
I hope you die in a fire, Mother Nature.
I. Hope. You. Die. In. A. Fire.
A big tampon and maxi pad bonfire.

Now, for all the guys who are reading this and are thinking, "Women gripe about their periods so frequently...get over it."Two things:

1.) Shut the hell up. You're a man....and while it is adorable that you think your opinion about anything that happens within the confines of my uterine walls matters... IT DOESN'T.

2.) If your sperm caused you to shed testicular tissue, and once a month, for three to seven had blood coming from your penis.....AND YOU CAUGHT YOURSELF EATING PAPER WHILE WEARING SWEATPANTS WITH ENOUGH ZITS TO MAKE A 13 YEAR-OLD-BOY LOOK MATURE.... You would probably check yourself into the emergency room.
Look, I'm not saying women handle periods any better than a man would, but...we certainly have a better understanding of the process, don't we?

In case you couldn't tell by my prolific use of the all caps, and my excessive cursing...I am on my period.
Just so you know.

And favorite song about Menstruation.

Oh, you didn't know this was a real thing?
Songs about menstrual cycles?

In that case, you're welcome.


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